the psycho-Orthodox of Beit Shemesh

"another incident last week, in which
some ultra-Orthodox men in the town of Beit Shemesh harassed an eight-year old girl on her
way to her religious Jewish girls school — spitting on her, calling her a "whore" and claiming she
was dressed immodestly.

Naama dresses with long sleeves and a skirt
but extremists consider even that outfit,
standard in mainstream Jewish religious schools,
to be immodest."


http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2011/12/27/ultar-orthodox-jews-israel-protest.html

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cursing the Fig tree

If there's a bad time to get hungry on tour, it's that moment when talent and crew are finally in once place and finally nearly ready to go.

It's a stressful time: the responsible people are on the verge of whining about the sleepyheads, while the sleepy heads stumble in semi-conscious, and grumpy, in that way the guilty so often are...

Just as "All About the Galilee" is finally ready to blow the rat-infested, dusty hole known as Bethany, the Lamb of God announces he's hungry, and wanders off in search of figs. Muttering prayers under his breath, Peter follows at a respectful distance and for the lack of anything better to do, the other disciples follow him.

Jesus sees a fig tree and heads towards it, but the situation is actually bad and getting worse. The Nazarene's blood sugar levels are low and getting lower and he's less than thrilled by Peter and
the others stalking him.

Concern is writ large upon their faces - they cannot imagine this ending well, because Figs are not actually in season just now.

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Jesus Demotivators

keep the faith.





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What If God...

if i was an all-knowing, all-seeing being, i'd be less surprised when humans did dumb things... who needs a god that's always blowing his top all the time?

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What of God was one of...

Seriously...what if ?




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a Creationist demotivator

i can't allow myself to dwell upon the fact that people who believe this walk among us, and are often armed.

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the truth about Hell

Mxyzptlk and Pyewackett were the kind of imps who really didn't care about much of anything anymore. In a place where what's 'bad' is 'good', you might think this was a good thing, but that would just be one more thing about Hell where you lacked clue one.

For instance, it turns out that no matter which off-ramp you took on your highway to Hell, be it Mictlan, Tartarus, Peklo or Kalichi, you ended up in exactly the same place and when you got there, nobody really gave a damn about what you called it.

This simple metaphysical fact was a kind of cruel, useless foreshadowing dating back to when El Darko still gave a rat's ass. There were stories about hIMSELF  kicking ass and taking names, but nobody had seen hIM that motivated in centuries.

These days, Hell was like a crummy theme park well past its best befores, and therein lay a cosmic irony... though it lacked the diabolical tortures administered by energetic demons so relished by Earthly imagineers, Hell is, was and ever will be way, way worse than any preachers' technicolour fantasy.

Why? Because Hell is incredibly, amazingly boring. Hell is lame. It sucks the Big One, because nothing ever happens. Hell is the worst party of your life with a wicked (sic) hangover and hemorrhoids the size of golf balls.

Everyone at the party is as stupid/nasty/batshit crazy as they were on Earth. They never learn one new thing and they never shut up. The party never stops. It goes on forever and you ain't goin' nowhere, because in a place where everything's burning, fire exits would be silly.

This is why imps, demons and even His Supreme Nastyness are such geeks for human imaginings of Hell in print, movies and other arts. In the Infernal Eternal, these lurid hallucinations are porn cut with Star Wars and Citizen Kane, at least at first. But then, like anything else over the course of Eternity, it gets boring and there you are - back at the party where even Satan is bored,  and God's laughter echoes down the canyon.

*

What is God doing?

What is God doing?
I don't get it at all.




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God loves You!

God loves you, little one...
God loves you so much!

God totally loves little lambs
and God loves you too!





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in the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, but unfortunately - there being darkness everywhere - even He couldn't see it, and lo, it was a drag.

So God said "Let there be light!"
and there was light.

"All right!" said God, nodding His head and looking around at it all, "does this rock or what? Can I get an amen?"... but, of course, He was alone, and there was no amen or any other sound.

There was only silence, and one slightly vexed Supreme Being.

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the power of Faith

"Again".

With a silent nod, the hooded figure dipped the ladle into the bubbling oil and with consummate care, emptied it over the blistered feet above the brazier. It was an essential part of the process, as it allowed the flesh to roast slowly, instead of burning and deadening the pain.

He fanned the coals in the brazier and added a little fuel as the woman's whispered prayers became a moan and then an empty, hopeless scream.

"Answer the question, please".

Despite his best professional intentions, a weary impatience crept into his voice. He looked over at the others to see if they'd noticed, but all their eyes and ears were on the woman, writhing against the ropes.

Under other circumstances, her movements might have been suggestive, but here it was simply a sign that she was still resisting. They did sometimes, but in the end he would get what he wanted - not simply because he was a master of his craft, but because he was on a mission from God.

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god laughs...

oh, those true believers -
sometimes they're funny ha-ha,
and sometimes funny strange...

...and sometimes,


they're not funny at all.















...so be careful out there.







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backstage at the Mount

There would always be disciples at his feet while Jesus sermonized, listening to his every word but rarely all of them at once. It might be The Sermon on the Mount to the punters out front, but for the disciples, it was one more show on the "All About Galilee" tour and Himself was nothing if not consistent in his messaging...

It wasn't like "you've heard one sermon, you've heard them all" or anything, but certainly once you'd heard 10 or 20, you'd certainly caught the jist...

Peter and Matthew, of course, would be front row centre every time. Others, though, might go grab a falafel and check out the maidens, or just take a walk til it was time to pass the bread or maybe
help a leper up front.

And so it came to pass one day that Thomas was out walking with Simon the Zealot when Simon became very agitated. He pointed at a bush saying "Look Thomas, look at that bush! It's burning, man, it's on fire. It's a message from God!".

"I doubt it" Thomas said slowly, as he turned to the shrub in question, "I really do..." and sure enough, it wasn't. Simon was just tripping...

*

while tending his Flock

The pigs were restless, and  in the long months he had been been tending these swine in the mountains alone, Ummah had learned that there were only two things that really made a pig crawl up out of its own filth and take notice - food and danger.

He rose slowly and turned to see what his jambonistas were snorting at, then had to raise his hand to cover his eyes at the fiery glow across the meadow.

"I have come to you, Ummah, with a message from your Heavenly father" said a voice as big as the mountain.

"You're scaring my pigs, mister" said Ummah "and my earthly father sets great store by them. Think maybe you could dim your brights?"







*

another day in Heaven

"Dum-de-dum, hey, nonny noh, dum-diddy-dum-diddy-dum-dum-dum".

It was a happy day in heaven, but then, most days in heaven were happy ones. Sometimes things would get a little dark, but then he would usually black out and when he came to, the sun would be shining and some simple melody would warble through his thoughts again.

He loved these little melodies. He could sing them over and over, sometimes for what you or I might think was a million years, but to him was not even the blink of an eye.

"Here you go" he said, tilting the watering can, "free water, free water, dum-de-dum-de-dum". The fresh clear water sparkled down onto the blue-green ball and he stared, transfixed as ever by the beauty of the light and the water.

Then the voices started inside his head.
It sounded like people were freaking out, and it hurt his ears. It felt like a power drill drilling into the back of his head, and it didn't make any sense. He put the watering can down, so he could put a finger in each of his ears.

"Dum-De-Dum" he sang more loudly than before, "Hey Nonny Noh, Dum de DUM!".

He walked away, singing as loudly as he could until it was quiet in his head again.

He didn't know who was who was freaking out, or why, or who this "God" was they wanted. He didn't know about any "floods", or "catastrophes" or "disasters" and anyway, his name was Norbert.

*

at the Dunking pond

As they pressed down on the long shaft, the old woman rose from the surface, sputtering, hacking and dripping pond water.

"Have you something you wish to say to us?" asked brother Jonathan, to which the old woman replied "the best part of thee ran down thy bitch-mother's leg in the stall when she lusted with a boar".

Brother Jonathan looked to brother Thomas and nodded. They eased back on the bough and the old woman sank once again beneath the surface of the pond. They watched as the surface bubbled briefly and then calmed.

As they pressed back down and she rose, and hacked again for her air, Thomas turned to Jonathan and said "I have a question, brother".

"Then ask away" Jonathan responded, as they relaxed their grip and once again, the old woman sank into the pond.

"I cannot recall whether her floating means she's the devil's harlot, or a child of God" said Thomas "which is it, my brother?"

There was a hush, and then suddenly "Shit! "Shit" said Jonathan again, leaning hard on the shaft as though the might raise her up himself "shit, shit, shit....".

*

one day in the Garden

Adam and Eve were very happy in the Garden of Eden. Duh. God had blessed them. He said “Be fruitful and multiply", and so they pleasured each other in ways that are now illegal in many states.

God said "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food". One can only  imagine their laughter and joy as they discovered new flavours and vistas, many of which are also now illegal.

According to God, Adam and Eve were to "have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth", but of course there was a catch... or two.
No one is quite sure why God made a snake, let alone an evil talking one, but one day when Eve was walking around in the Garden, it came up to Eve and hit on her. She was mesmerized. She was captivated. When the snake pointed out some tasty apples hanging from the branch above their heads, Eve went for it, because sometimes mushrooms made her thirsty.

It was not long before Eve learned that God had also invented the fine print, and that despite all the hype about infinite love and all the Lord operated on a very strict "one strike" policy.

*

a few Fundamentals

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are we There yet?

Thirty-seven days later, the skies were still dark and the rain still fell. The wind whipped waves up as far as the eye could see and yet all on board were glad it was there- otherwise, the
stench of the drowned bloated dinosaurs would have overpowered even the strongest stomach.  

The Ark pitched to and fro like cork, and most of Noah's family had been seasick for weeks. Inevitably, any number of animals had gone unfed or watered and this led to a number of extinctions, including some of the more beautiful birds and butterflies.

Some had given up the ghost of natural causes and others were consumed by shipmates further up the food chain. Those still clinging to life were terrified - they whinnied, whined and warbled their fears day and night, night and day.

Noah began to wonder if the Lord had really thought this one all the way through.

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what the Buddha said...

Why can't more enlightened beings,
prophets and gods add this caveat?
It would save a lot of fussing
and fighting...

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