cursing the Fig tree

If there's a bad time to get hungry on tour, it's that moment when talent and crew are finally in once place and finally nearly ready to go.

It's a stressful time: the responsible people are on the verge of whining about the sleepyheads, while the sleepy heads stumble in semi-conscious, and grumpy, in that way the guilty so often are...

Just as "All About the Galilee" is finally ready to blow the rat-infested, dusty hole known as Bethany, the Lamb of God announces he's hungry, and wanders off in search of figs. Muttering prayers under his breath, Peter follows at a respectful distance and for the lack of anything better to do, the other disciples follow him.

Jesus sees a fig tree and heads towards it, but the situation is actually bad and getting worse. The Nazarene's blood sugar levels are low and getting lower and he's less than thrilled by Peter and
the others stalking him.

Concern is writ large upon their faces - they cannot imagine this ending well, because Figs are not actually in season just now.

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in the Beginning

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth, but unfortunately - there being darkness everywhere - even He couldn't see it, and lo, it was a drag.

So God said "Let there be light!"
and there was light.

"All right!" said God, nodding His head and looking around at it all, "does this rock or what? Can I get an amen?"... but, of course, He was alone, and there was no amen or any other sound.

There was only silence, and one slightly vexed Supreme Being.

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salt, Sodom and so on

One day on the plains of Mamre, three guys come up to Abraham, looking for hospitality. He gives them some and they hint like maybe they are angels - a possibility that seems probable when Yahweh suddenly drops by.

He says He wants to brimstone Sodom and Gomorrah. He's had "complaints" about wickedness and sinning exceedingly. Abraham feels Yahweh is going off the deep end, so he haggles with Him til they agree that if 10 good people can be found, Yahweh won't go nuclear.

Since Abe's son Lot lives in Sodom, he sub-contracts but as it turns out Sodom is actually pretty nasty. No sooner are the angels get to Lot's place than Sodomites turn up, wanting sex with them. Lot says no, and counter-offers with his daughters.

"They're virgins" he says "do to them whatever you like".

"What part of gay don't you get?" the Sodomites reply and seek to get all pre-medieval on Lot's ass. Finally, the angels say "Enough already"! They blind the evil ones, then tell Lot that Yahweh's exercising his nuclear option.

"Seriously" they say "walk and don't look back". Lot and his family start walking, but Lot's wife stops, looks back and is turned into a pillar of salt.

Since they aren't looking back, Lot and his daughters don't even notice. When Lot finds a nice cave nearby, his daughters get him drunk and have sex with him.

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backstage at the Mount

There would always be disciples at his feet while Jesus sermonized, listening to his every word but rarely all of them at once. It might be The Sermon on the Mount to the punters out front, but for the disciples, it was one more show on the "All About Galilee" tour and Himself was nothing if not consistent in his messaging...

It wasn't like "you've heard one sermon, you've heard them all" or anything, but certainly once you'd heard 10 or 20, you'd certainly caught the jist...

Peter and Matthew, of course, would be front row centre every time. Others, though, might go grab a falafel and check out the maidens, or just take a walk til it was time to pass the bread or maybe
help a leper up front.

And so it came to pass one day that Thomas was out walking with Simon the Zealot when Simon became very agitated. He pointed at a bush saying "Look Thomas, look at that bush! It's burning, man, it's on fire. It's a message from God!".

"I doubt it" Thomas said slowly, as he turned to the shrub in question, "I really do..." and sure enough, it wasn't. Simon was just tripping...

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learning from the Bible

Think you're having a bad day? What if you were a leper? What if the mere mention of your health issues inspired horror, fear and disgust?

Leprosy is as old as history, and so is leprostigma. Lepers were ritually buried by their community in an open grave. After throwing three shovels of earth on your head, they gave you a sackcloth robe with a big UNCLEAN logo on it, a cross and an alms box, then lead you to the edge of town and expected you to stay there.

They also gave you a bell, which you had to ring it while shouting "unclean, unclean" and remaining optimistic about them still giving you an alm or two. Things got better in the Middle Ages, when a pope decided Lepers were going through Purgatory on Earth, so their suffering was first rate ergo holier than thine...

Treatments included the blood of virgins, kids, corpses, dogs and lambs (as either beverage or bath), cobra venom, thousands of bee stings, the excreta of climbing fish and castration.

More than two million people have leprosy right now, in 122 countries including India, China, Brazil, Romania, Egypt, Somalia, Vietnam and Japan. Happily, many more millions have been
cured!

A story about a man who stopped to talk to lepers is a good story. A story about being cured through faith is good marketing.

All I'm saying is that if you wake up without Hansen's disease tomorrow, you have one more reason to be cheerful.

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out in the Fields

One year in the land of Moab, there came a great famine and so it happened that many immigrated illegally unto neighbouring lands. Ruth the Moabitess was daughter-in-law of Elimelech and Naomi, and followed Naomi to Bethlehem. There Ruth went to glean in the fields of Boaz, who was a rich landowner.

"Damn" Boaz thought to himself "that woman can really glean!". He invites her to eat with him and his workers each day, and leaves out grain for her to claim while keeping a protective eye on her.

Naomi, wise in the ways of men, sends Ruth to the threshing floor one night telling her to "uncover the feet" of the sleeping Boaz. When she does, Boaz awakes and asks,"Who are you?". Ruth tells him, and then asks Boaz to "spread his cloak over her".

Boaz was eighty years old and Ruth was forty when they married. Sadly, Boaz died the day after his wedding, but Ruth would soon give birth to Obed, father of Jesse, and grandfather of David, he who would later pop a cap on Goliath's ass and become the second king of the united Kingdom of Israel.

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while tending his Flock

The pigs were restless, and  in the long months he had been been tending these swine in the mountains alone, Ummah had learned that there were only two things that really made a pig crawl up out of its own filth and take notice - food and danger.

He rose slowly and turned to see what his jambonistas were snorting at, then had to raise his hand to cover his eyes at the fiery glow across the meadow.

"I have come to you, Ummah, with a message from your Heavenly father" said a voice as big as the mountain.

"You're scaring my pigs, mister" said Ummah "and my earthly father sets great store by them. Think maybe you could dim your brights?"







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one day in the Garden

Adam and Eve were very happy in the Garden of Eden. Duh. God had blessed them. He said “Be fruitful and multiply", and so they pleasured each other in ways that are now illegal in many states.

God said "See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food". One can only  imagine their laughter and joy as they discovered new flavours and vistas, many of which are also now illegal.

According to God, Adam and Eve were to "have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth", but of course there was a catch... or two.
No one is quite sure why God made a snake, let alone an evil talking one, but one day when Eve was walking around in the Garden, it came up to Eve and hit on her. She was mesmerized. She was captivated. When the snake pointed out some tasty apples hanging from the branch above their heads, Eve went for it, because sometimes mushrooms made her thirsty.

It was not long before Eve learned that God had also invented the fine print, and that despite all the hype about infinite love and all the Lord operated on a very strict "one strike" policy.

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and on the Fourth day

another Little Bible Story

...and so it came to pass that Joseph of Arimathea went boldly to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Pilate was surprised that he was already dead, but when his centurion said that it was so, Pilate said unto Joseph "Sure. Go for it".

So they took Jesus’ body and wrapped it, with the aromatic spices, in strips of linen cloth according to the custom and laid him in the new custom-built tomb, hewn out of solid stone, that Joseph of Arimathea just happened to have available.

And then on the third day, as prophesized, He rose and left the building.

Then Joseph of Arimathea said to Nicodemus " Go ye to that tomb, where the stone has been rolled away, and let no man, woman or child pass into it or even peek in until they have first given thee a silver shekel!  And should anyone tell thee they are on the list, know that they are not, for I say unto you there is no guest list".

Nicodemus did as he was bid, and when the people learned of the cover charge, there was much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth... but Nicodemus stood firm and many were the shekels paid unto him.

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Adam raised a Cain

Biblical scholars remain divided as to whether or not Cain was the first Vegan, but vis-a-vis his brother Abel, concur that it's an open and shut case of murder one.

The Lord is His infinite etc chose not to invoke the death penalty, knowing that Cain would suffer more if he spent the rest of his days in a curious form of solitary confinement before sending his soul into eternal damnation.

Thus it came to pass that Cain became the first "victim", maintaining to his dying day that it wasn't his fault and protesting aloud in his loneliness to his long-dead brother that "God always liked you best".

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Adam & Eve out of the Garden

Adam & Eve out of the Garden
When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they were cast out of the Garden and from that day onwards, they were compelled to tend their flocks and till the soil. The sun was hot, and the work was hard and every night they were weary.

One day, Adam was working in the fields among the rocks and weeds, and he said unto himself "Try the apple, Adam. It's really good, Adam. Just one bite...".

Then Eve came unto him and asked "Did you say something, dear?", and Adam was afraid.

"Just praying for a bounteous, crop, dear" he smiled, and returned to his labours. Eve gazed upon him in a dubious way, and spoke not again that day.

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Jonah & the whale (2)

out of the Blue sea
So it was that Jonah found himself in the belly of the beast, up to his knees in gastric juices and decomposing fish, and he began to pray. He told the Lord how sorry he was and how if the Lord saw fit in His infinitely wise way to save him, Jonah would go to Nineveh. He would go directly to Nineveh, passing not even Go and he would spin unto them whatever the Lord wanted for as long as the Lord wished.

For three days and three nights, Jonah prayed like a #*&%@?*%#ker, for even though he knew he was on hold, he knew also that his call was important unto the Lord.

Eventually, the Lord stopped laughing and decided this was one chosen person who now knew who his Daddy was- and it came to pass that the fish that might have been a whale barfed Jonah unto a beach.

Bathed as he was in bile, hungry and wet, still Jonah knew that this situation sucked infinitely less, and so he raised himself to his knees and gave thanks unto the Lord for his deliverance.

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Jonah & the whale (1)

into the Blue sea
The Lord told Jonah, son of Amittai, to go to the city of Nineveh to testify against the great wickedness in that city. But after the Lord left, Jonah reflected on how many bad hombres were there and he thought unto himself "that's just not going to happen".

So it came to pass that in Jaffa, he boarded a boat headed in the opposite direction and all was cool until a there was a major weather event and all abord were sore afraid. It could have just been a coincidence, but the sailors opted to err on the Yahweh side and threw Jonah into the sea. While Jonah freaks out, they have a barbeque and invited the Lord to help himself.

As His blood sugar levels improved, the Lord decided he would cut Jonah a little slack and lo, a giant fish... or maybe it was a whale... turned up. It opened its' vast mouth and as it swallowed him headfirst, Jonah again thought unto himself "Well, this kinda sucks".

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a deal is a Deal

The days that followed were dark ones for all of the disciples - none more so than Judas, who realized too late that they probably would have given him 50 or maybe even 60 pieces of silver if he'd asked...

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thieves in the Temple

The Dude was PO'ed big time. That much was certain. It was kind of a trip to see Himself, who was usually all meek and mild and everything, walk into a room and lose it. Everything and everybody in the house was ga-ga, man.

He was going Off, tipping tables and yelling about his father's house and what the hell was sacred if this wasn't and he didn't didn't stop til they had all taken their business down the street.

Later, I saw him sitting near the altar, with his head down and making this sad sound. I got the feeling he knew that it wasn't going to make any difference, and a week after he left they'd
be back... and nothing he could do or say would change that fact... but I guess I could be projecting...

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Deborah, kicker of butt

Deborah, wife of Lapidoth, was the only female judge in the vast history of Israel and she rendered her judgments beneath a palm tree in the land of Ephraim.

Her Hebrew name translates as 'bee'. For 20 years, she prevailed upon commander Barak to bust some Assyrian butt, and prophesized unto him they would win. Deborah also promised to ride into battle with him, which she did, and together they won big.

When the Assyrian general Sisera ran like a little girl to hide in the tent of Deb's soul sister Jael, the sister killed him by driving a tent peg through his temple as he slept. 

The story of Deborah is told twice in the Bible, and the Song of Deborah is one of the earliest sample of Hebrew poetry.

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one step at a Time

It was hot and dusty in the storehouse, but much remained to be done. Joseph crossed his arms and did his best to look the Pharoah's favourite lord but the pace did not increase.

His plan was a bold one, and if all went well could much enhance his standing in the court, but there was still so much to do... he was glad there were a lot of slaves around, and that he wasn't one.

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Timing is everything

Jesus disciples sermon mount Temptations dance practice





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deliverance from Bondage

Moses Israelites Red Sea deliverance bondage





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Noah and the Lion

Noah flood ark lion rain animals




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