If I was Peter MacKay

I am not now, nor have I ever been Peter MacKay, but if I was, I'd be laughing.


I'd be laughing my freakin' guts out.



In fact, the biggest problem in my life would be
how to keep from going "snorf" and giggling at socially inappropriate times. This would have
been especially true during the 8 hour flight to Portugal for the NATO meetings with the prime minister this week.

I say 'especially' because one can only assume that the PM was more than slightly PO'd by that hat on the hill moment... the one where Mr. Mackay turned
up in an Air Emirates hat?

A small act of rebellion, perhaps,
but impeccably timed and unusually tasty.

***

Mr. Harper is obsessed with the idea of control. He's made it perfectly clear on many occasions that he will bully, bitch-slap and if necessary destroy anyone who threatens this obsession.

It is our familiarity with this fact of our lives that gave this modest prank the power of an elegant shot to the imperial family jewels, all the sweeter for being such a surprise.

What was not a surprise was the relish with which journalists delivered the news to every corner of the True North. It was the first 'feel good' story from the Hill in ages, and for citizens wearied by months of Harperial condescension and contempt, it was better than a box of Timbits.


If it inspired giggles in the hinterlands, there must have been thunder on the Hill. So it's safe to assume that, given the PMs delicate sensitivities and obsession with control, the flight to Lisbon might well have been very, very quiet... any spontaneous 'snorfing' or giggles would have sounded very loud indeed.

***

If I were Mr. MacKay,
I'd know that I had scored one of those goals that people will talking about for a long time. I'd feel like I'd communicated my feelings regarding recent processes and decisions to the cabal in the PMO, and given He Who Must Be Obeyed a taste of his own medicine.

I'd be laughing because we'd both know there was not a damn thing He could do about it. He can't push me any further out of His Loop than I already am, and he can't fire me. If he does, it would set off a shitstorm inside caucus big enough to blow any thoughts of a winning a majority all the way to kingdom come. 

***

The Big Payback

But the fun has just begun!

Because by now the rumours I started about leaving would now be blossoming. I have some interesting emails and phone messages to return, or not...

I'd be laughing because I already had a contract in my back pocket for the book I'm already working on. My autobiography, about growing up with Progressive Conservative values and the crazy ride from young MP to the merger with the Reform Party to the day I felt I had to resign.

It was a matter of principle.

I'd know that my next big plane ride would be
to Aruba, where I was booked into a very nice condo on the beach with room enough for an editor and my new special friend to come and stay.

And then, once again, I would "snorf" a good one, just imagining his face when the book comes out just days before he drops the writ.

His campaign starts out well behind the 8 ball - my 8 ball - never quite gets past it, and when the votes are counted...
alas, there is no Conservative majority in the House.

Again.

It's then that the knives come out, as knives always do in such situations. In a brief statement to the press, Mr. Harper resigns and down on the beach, my cel phone rings.



I listen, and with a sigh, I walk out on the deck and say "We have to go now, Mrs. MacKay. My Party needs me"




http://www.petermackay.ca/main.php


http://www.emirates.com/


http://nazanin.webng.com/

- 30 -

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Canada's Training Mission

Every time I think that Stephen Harper
and his mighty finger puppets have finally
settled on the bottom of the social septic tank,
I am wrong.

It's not that he's breaking his promise to those serving, their families and every other Canadian who cares. The last few years are all the proof anyone needs that Stephen Harper is not
a man of his word.

His promises mean nothing - they never have,
and they never will.

It's not even a surprise that he drops this little bomb right before he runs off to Portugal for the NATO meeting to get patted on the head by the people who made the decision for him.

But what kind of sick is it to drop that bomb...
"oh yeah, by the way... Afghanistan? we're staying"... right around Remembrance Day?

Feel the love? Smell the glove.

***

Leaving aside quaint notions like human decency and honour, there's still the question of "Is this stupid? Is this bullshit? Is it both?"

He says this is a Training Mission. He says it's different, because our troops will not be going
into combat. Our troops will be staying "behind
the fence".

Right.

So 1,000 Canadian military men and women are going to stay in a war zone, but they can't fight in the war. I bet they're feeling super good about that one, sir.

It should be great for morale and I'm sure it will help them bond with the soldiers from other countries who will be there. Fighting. In the war.

You have to wonder how he ever got the Taliban and the tribal leaders to agree to this.

But one has to wonder how it is one trains new recruits to fight in a war from "behind the fence"...

...and just how seriously those recruits take the word of a teacher who stays behind when it's time for the rubber to hit the road.

It doesn't add up. It doesn't make any sense. How did we end up with such a sad excuse for human being running our lives?

-30-

.

A lot of people talk about the weather, but nobody really does anything about it. This used to bug me, but now it seems like an OK way to go.

Because next to the weather, the thing people probably talk about most is taxes, and in this case, there are people who are working hard to do something about them.

Some of these people really believe they are a Mission from some kind of God. It's an article
of this strange faith that "taxes are way too high"
and "government spending is out of control".

***

This is not actually true.

***

Tax bills in 2009 at lowest level
since 1950

Amid complaints about high taxes and calls for a smaller government, Americans paid their lowest level of taxes last year since Harry Truman's presidency, a USA TODAY analysis of federal data found.

Some political conservatives such as "Tea Party" activists have criticized federal spending as being out of control. While spending is up, taxes have fallen to exceptionally low levels.

***

Be that as it may - historically, people in any sort
of crusade situation are rarely  swayed by facts. One can rage, rant, sigh or blow a barrel of buckshot into the big screen, but nothing is ever going to change any of those minds.

***

Facts are simple and facts are straight
Facts are lazy and facts are late
Facts all come with points of view
Facts don't do what I want them to.

Crosseyed and Painless / Talking Heads

***

I don't like taxes much, but then I don't think
we're supposed to... our dislike of them should
be fairly visceral. The people we elect to spend our money should be aware of our feelings.

But while I don't like taxes, I do like...

clean drinking water

roads

libraries

the internet

and a whole lot of other useful, important things that come from those taxes. I want those things way, way more than I don't want to pay taxes.

***

Private sector people will tell you they don't like taxes either. They will tell you that while they are using that clean water, and those roads, and that internet.


The private sector might hate paying taxes,
but they love making up taxes of their very own.

Service charges are industry's new revenue dream stream.

And what do we get for our money when it goes to the private sector?

Barbies

The Vegematic

new flavours of potato chips

All you can eat buffets

the military-industrial complex

and most recently, of course,
the global recession

... created by the private sector, and bailed out by - you guessed it!

Our taxes.

***

This is nothing new. Ever since the 80s, the mantra has been "the government should be more like the private sector".

Maybe it's time to ask "Why can't the private sector be more like the government?"

Why can't the private sector bring us useful things, at reasonable prices while paying people a living wage?

- 30 -

http://www.usatoday.com/printedition/news/20100511/1ataxes11_st.art.htm


http://inventorspot.com/articles/melody_road_gives_whole_new_mean_8235

http://www.unc.edu/~unclng/Internet_History.htm

 

http://www.shallownation.com/2009/03/09/barbie-50th-anniversary-

barbie-photos-video/

.

Rosanne Cash Kicks Asshat!

It seems that during his recent bid for re-election, Republican Congressman John Boehner* had developed a habit of invoking Johnny Cash's name when speaking
at campaign rallies.

Boehner's line was "Remember when Ronald Reagan was president? We had Bob Hope. We had Johnny Cash. Think about where we are today. We have got President Obama. But we have no hope and we have no cash."

Presumably, this passes for wit among Ohio Republicans, but when Rosanne heard about, she was not amused.
She was pissed off.

...and unlike so much political talk these days,
Rosanne's response was brief, clear and straight to the point. 

It seems to have had the desired effect - Boehner stopped doing it - and he'll probably go down in history not as Speaker of the House, but as the man who brought "asshat" into popular culture. 

How cool is that? I think her Dad would have been proud...

...and there's more to the story!

It seems Mr. Boehner's people drew  their inspiration from a surprising source- a song by the Dixie Chicks:

"Now they sound tired,
but they don't sound Haggard.
They got money
but they don't have Cash."

***

* Boehner's use of artificial tanning products has earned him the nickname "Agent Orange" in some circles.

- 30 -

.

Depression...what a trip!

a bipolar neuron (top)
and a developing neuron

 
... if there's one thing that bipolar people
know way more about than unpolar people,
it's depression. The big D. The black dog...



     ...that day you run out of reasons
to get out of bed, so you don't.

...the times when even giving half a damn
about anything seems like a damn site
more trouble than it's worth.

...the nights when your skull's an echo chamber,
old tapes and voices saying Amen! every time
you come back to just what a worthless waste
of skin you actually are...




On the bright side, it turns out that having a well-developed sense of humour is so common among the bipolar that it's virtually a diagnostic indicator. How cool is that?

...here are a few of the signs I've noticed lately, walking down that bright side of the street...

i want a set of these so bad
i'm ready to run out and buy play-doh!

 ... so the next time you're mud-wrestling
with your own personal demons,
remember- you're not alone.



... and when that doesn't help,
just remember the Singing Shark!

learn more...

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1726

http://hubpages.com/hub/If-Youre-Bipolar-Stay-On-Your-Meds

http://www.bphope.ca/

Read more: Neuron - Biology Encyclopedia - cells, body, function, human, process, system, different, organs, used http://www.biologyreference.com/Mo-Nu/Neuron.html#ixzz15bzD0xED

http://www.zazzle.com/bipolarbabe

.

Sarah Palin WTF?

i'm trying to resist the dark side
these days, and it ain't easy.

   
...this little voice in my ear keeps
encouraging me to dial in
to the new FOX monster hit,
Sarah Palin's Alaska.

but i'm trying to go on what my friend Utah
called a low social cholesterol diet:
no fatheads.


the rise of the "say it loud, i'm stupid and proud" thing here and in the US is giving me news rage daily, and frankly, i'd rather not be that upset,
that often. seriously, it makes me crazy.


anyway, since i'm not watching Sarah Palin's Alaska (yet), i thought i'd use the time to learn more about her... so i've been rolling and reading my way around the old info interstate, and going "hmmm..." every once in a while.


when i saw this picture,

it hit me...

it's one of maybe a bajillion visual versions
of Ms. Palin, and they are everywhere!

the MILF thread runs deep, which is kind of creepy, and from there it gets worse... or better, i guess, depending on your inclination.

see for yourself...

''It may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: 'Sit down and shut up,' but that's the worthless, easy path; that's a quitter's way out.''

—Sarah Palin, quitting her job as governor,
July 3, 2009

''All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years.''

—Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, interview with Katie Couric, CBS News, Oct. 1, 2008

''The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel.'''

—Sarah Palin, in a message posted on Facebook about Obama's health care plan, Aug. 7, 2009

this image is very happening...

as it happens, it's a fake.

...but don't worry- you can still dress up
like fake Sarah for Hallowe'en. 

or whatever.

$59.95

http://www.brandsonsale.com/ca-013645.html

Wait! There's more...

i don't know. a B movie star was on thing,
but a pseudo porn star?

good night....

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bl-sarah-palin-quotes.htm?PS=685%3A5

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/61410aa4ff/gina-gershon-strips-down-sarah-palin-from-gina-gershon

http://www.brandsonsale.com/ca-013645.html

- 30 -

.

More Epicac*, Anyone?

It's getting worse!!!

well, that's a little presumptuous.



...maybe it's just me
that's getting worse.

    ... but i swear it's no lie when i say
"i cannot even bear to look at the screen
anymore when the prime minister
of my country is on TV".

...just the thought of his voice
makes me tremble for the mute.

     ...if i actually hear his voice
- a few words, a semi-denial, half an STFU -
i have to leave the room and take a long walk,
with some old song turned up as loud
in the earbuds as my fear of tinnitus will allow.

***

He's done the impossible!

there was a time when i felt
that the worst point in Canadian history
was September 17, 1984,
to June 25, 1993.

books about that era have upset me
so much i have not been able
to finish reading them.


the only other time in my life that this happened?
it was a book about contemporary
global traffic in human body parts.

i'm serious.


pre-Harper, i thought the Airbus scandal
was a joke. chump change.
a time waster.
if i'd been prosecuting,
PM 18 would have been charged
with treason.

more evidence.

stiffer penalties.

wicked optics.



...but Steve's a game-changer.
the Stever has caused me to to re-evaluate
the last (sic) Progressive Conservative government and it's fearless leader.
and the result?

a retro-spectual upgrade.





***




now the waste, the greasy palms,
brazen brown-nosing and cynicism
of those years seem like a half-remembered
dream of a kinder, better Canada.

a maple-tinted memory.








Happy Days on snowshoes.





Steven Harper makes
Brian Mulroney look like
the Friendly Giant.

and i'm not dissing Friendly.

***

i could cope with it as long as Michaëlle Jean
was also representing Canada to the  world.








but now that it's all Steve, all the time,
i feel like i've got an epicac OD going on.

i used to be proud to say "i'm from Canada".
now, i'd just as soon not say where i'm from...

i don't have an explanation for anyone
about what's happened to my country.


i don't have an explanation for myself
about why i haven't done more about it.

 - tbc -

* Epicac - Syrup of ipecac (pronounced /ˈɪpɨkæk/), commonly referred to as ipecac, is derived from the dried rhizome and roots of the ipecacuanha plant, and is a well known emetic (substance used to induce vomiting).


Emetic - An emetic, such as syrup of ipecac, is a substance that induces vomiting when administered orally or by injection.

 

Ipecacuanha  from the Tupi i-pe-kaa-guéne, which translates to "road-side sick-making plant".

.