A Newbie's Guide to Canadian Government - Conservatives

... a quick and easy guide for Canadians
who may have forgotten we have a government
with parties and everything...
and for people watching from abroad
who may well be wondering "W.T.F. Canada?"

The Conservatives

this ain't no party.
this ain't no disco.
this is business.

After several years of stormy courtship, an aging Bay Street dowager and a slick young Cowtown grifter finally consumated their lust for power. Soon after that untimely congress,  the issue of their loins appeared and was christened 'the Conservative Party of Canada'.

Splicing the DNA of the (formerly) Progressive Conservatives and the Reform party (formerly the Canadian Alliance) with the nasty side of the American Republican Party,  Canada's newest national brand brought small-town, strip-mall thinking into the 90s. The 'Full Nanaimo' was front and centre on the national stage.

The timing was awesome. With the Liberals into the decadent phase of their electoral moon and well overdue for a spanking, Canada's newest brand was well-poised to run up the middle. 

Endorsed by less than 40% of Canadian voters, in a few short years, Mr. Harper has already assumed an attitude of supreme power. By ignoring the law, Parliamentary tradition and even the will of the people, he has had an impact well beyond his alleged mandate, nationally and around the world. 

His 'bring it on' attitude towards global warming has other  countries leaving the room when we step up to speak.

Women and children in Canada are in worse shape economically and legally than they were 2006, and their situation is not expected to improve anytime in the near future.

His unquestioning support of Israel has single-handedly reversed decades of Canadian diplomatic policy in the Middle East in favour of his own personal preference .  

For the first time since Confederation,
our international reputation and our
influence is in a steady decline.

Once known for our sense of fair play, modesty and innovative solutions, Canada has exchanged decades of hard-earned credibility for a role as an American satellite, the classic Chihuahua running along behind the big dog, barking 'me too, me too'.

The contemporary Canadian Conservatives (sic) are not so much a political party as a cult. At the centre is a Supreme Galactic Leader, source of all love, money and whatever... and from day 1, the Supreme Galactic Leader has  been Stephen Harper. 

Like Torquemada and any given ayatollah, Mr. Harper is perfectly certain of his divine purpose: the questions once traditional in Canadian democracy are now heresy; any suggestion that he may have made a mistake is an abomination in ears of this WallMart Mussolini.   

While loyal followers await his appearance on slices of toast, other Canadians have learned to live in fear of the sociopathic side of his Harpieness. He has made it clear that he is capable of anything, and he will not be constrained by outdated conventions like 'democracy' or 'balanced budgets'.

Given his active dislike of Canadians, public appearances - hockey arenas, Parliament, the family room - are almost as difficult for Mr. Harper to do as it is for others to watch. He can, and does, manifest on occasion...

... sometimes in a cardigan,
petting a kitty-kat...

and sometimes at Tim's, where his pantomime of a Canadian having a coffee can make even the most apolitical Canuck cringe with embarrassment.

For obvious reasons,
He prefers to keep these manifestations to a minimum...

On ceremonial occasions, He appears in a business suit, usually with his set of 143 matching finger puppets, known officially as 'the Conservative MPs'.

His contempt for Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, Parliament and other essentials of the democratic process are the stuff of legend.

For a party that pays fat lip service to its allegedly Christian roots, the Conservatives have a very liberal attitude to hypocrisy...

- in opposition, Mr. Harper raved against the appointing of senators. In power, Mr. Harper has appointed more senators than any other Prime Minister in Canadian history - 33 new (Conservative) senators  in less than 3 years...

- promising fiscal restraint, the Conservatives spent the 13 billion dollar surplus they inherited from the Liberals well before the recent goobal financial meltdown crisis began. Since then, they have spent more money - faster - than any government in Canadian history.  

Even these amazing achievements pale beside the one no Canadian would have believed was even possible- He's made Brian Mulroney look like statesman, a real stand-up guy.

Some feel Mr. Harper's greatest achievement is yet to come- that his current cultural blitzkreig of 'deny, defy and crucify' will disgust and alienate just enough voters that his thirty-something per cent of believers will be enough to  give him the majority he so clearly  believes he is entitled to...

... at which point he can really
get down to business...

- You think President For Life has a nice ring to it.
- You have always envied the special status
   Puerto Ricans enjoy in United States.
- You want the trains to run on time.
- You'll rest easier knowing those lazy
   grandkids are going to have shitty lives. 

- next... Le Bloc! -

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